Tuesday, March 18, 2003

I once wrote this:

Each of us is an ever-changing chorus of voices, a small tribe of motivations, trying to advance their own desires. Nominally, one of those voices is in control but sometimes overthrows can occur as when we lapse into a cult or fall in love. A schizophrenic is not someone with "extra" voices", it is someone whose voices have lapsed into anarchy.

This still stands. And the idea goes back to Jaynes. We are not a unified whole but rather a loose collection bound together with thin rope, a bouquet of personalities.

This world has shaped me but it has not shaped all of me. There are aspects of myself and of others that are more difficult to instruct, to change, to persuade. I do not feel that I have conscious control over my deepest fears. I will still jump at noises in the dark regardless of how safe i know I should be. I will still feel, though reject, pangs of guilt or envy or lust at moments beyond my control.

Perhaps this sometimes ignoble element of ourselves is our core, the inner brute, the constant within ourselves upon which our other selves cling. Ultimately they are slaves to this inner passion. To fall in love is to command all of our resources, our charms, our words, our talents all bent to the will of this spirit inside.

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